Where Do I Even Begin?
2020 has been an incredibly long and challenging year for so many, myself included. But today, on this first day of December, I feel nothing but gratitude for being alive to witness it.
At the end of 2019, I had a grand vision—personal growth, business expansion (for those who don’t know, I’m an event planner in Nigeria; IG: @laheiress), and so much more.
We usually take our family vacation in January, but because I had a packed schedule with three events that month, we decided to postpone it to February. By then, whispers of COVID-19 were circulating, but my husband didn’t take it as seriously as I did. I, on the other hand, was masked up throughout our trip.
By the end of February, COVID-19 had become a full-blown threat. I was terrified because we had events lined up back-to-back until May. I started panicking about how we would manage postponements, especially since everything was already set in motion.
When lockdown was officially announced on March 20th, I was thrown into a whirlwind. We had an event scheduled the very next day! Despite my advice, the couple was adamant about proceeding. But after all the planning, who could blame them?
We faced a massive challenge when the event hall denied us access after the décor was set up. We had to move everything to the groom’s father’s compound, which could only accommodate 50 people. Imagine cutting down a 700-guest wedding to 50! It seemed impossible, but somehow, we pulled it off. (The details of how we managed are a story for another day.)
Then came the lockdown. With both my husband and I in the events industry, everything ground to a halt. That’s when I pivoted, starting to sell COVID-19 essentials. It turned out to be a massive hit—from sanitizers to face masks and eventually producing our own face shields.
I also started an Instagram blog (@lamagists), covering the Big Brother Naija show and other trending news. The blog took off, and I even started making money from advertisements.
Despite the success, something shifted within me. Selling COVID-19 essentials gave me a sense of purpose I hadn’t felt in a while, even in my event planning business. Slowly, a void began to grow. I felt unfulfilled, and eventually, I sank into a deep depression.
My husband tried to help, reminding me of how much I earned from event planning. My mom, on the other hand, took a religious approach. But I felt alone in my struggles.
The only person who seemed to understand was my sister, but she was already dealing with her own trauma after losing her best friend to depression. I felt selfish for burdening her, so I withdrew entirely.
I spiraled, crying for days, skipping showers, and feeling completely unmotivated. The darkest thoughts crept in, and one night, I genuinely contemplated ending it all. I was tired, unfulfilled, and overwhelmed by sadness. I couldn’t even put a name to what I was feeling—depression? Midlife crisis? I didn’t know.
The only thing that stopped me was my son. As I watched him sleep, the thought of someone else raising him tore me apart. When he stretched out his little hands in his sleep, searching for me, I broke down. I put the bottle down and cried bitterly.
That night, I resolved to fight back. I started reading about how to cope with depression and other feelings I couldn’t explain. I’m not 100% there yet, but I’m much better now. I still have tough days, but I know brighter ones are ahead.
The turning point for me was realizing the value of the little things I had taken for granted... moments of joy, small victories, and the people who care about me. I’ve decided to focus on those and live each day as it comes, without overthinking or over-worrying about tomorrow.
To everyone who noticed my absence from social media and reached out, thank you. Your kindness means more than you know.
To anyone struggling with similar feelings, please know that suicide is never the answer. If you can, check on your loved ones, they may need it more than you realize.
Here’s to a brighter, more beautiful 2021! 💃💃💃
Love,
Lama
