Motherhood: It's been a lonely and life changing road for me

Sigh.

I don't even know where to begin.

This past year of motherhood has taken something from me. I want to be honest about that... not because I don't love my son, but because I think too many women are suffering quietly behind a smile and a "I'm managing."

I am not always managing.

Some days I wonder if I am built for this. Not because I don't love him fiercely... but because society hands you a baby and simultaneously hands you an impossible standard. And then other women, the ones who should understand most, become the loudest critics. That part hurt more than I expected.

My first real battle was adjusting to a life I could no longer recognise as mine.

I still haven't fully figured it out.

No help. No village. Just me, running on almost no sleep, waking up to bathe him, bathe myself, cook, pack two bags, and show up to my business like I had a full night's rest. Every single day. And because I was exclusively breastfeeding and he refused a bottle, I carried him everywhere... long trips, work commitments, everything. My body was not my own. My time was not my own.

I am an entrepreneur. I built my life around freedom and intention. Losing control of my own schedule... not even being able to jump in the shower without planning it... broke something in me a little. I won't pretend otherwise.

My second battle was loneliness dressed up as being surrounded by people.

My husband tries. He genuinely does. But trying and being enough are not always the same thing. And what I needed... what I still need sometimes, is just someone to look me in the eye and say you are doing a great job today. Not once. Regularly. Because this job has no performance review, no salary, and no days off.

I stopped reaching out because it felt like no one would truly understand. My mother's generation was taught to carry it and keep moving. She had three of us and didn't complain. I know that. But silence is not strength. It is just silence.

And can we talk about the weight of it all for a moment?

We work. We build. We come home and we cook and clean and organise and nurture and hold everything together... and we are not supposed to be tired. We are not supposed to have hard days. We are not supposed to say this is too much.

But it is sometimes too much.

And saying that out loud does not make me a bad mother. It makes me an honest one.

I am still here. Still showing up. Still learning.

But I am also still human. And I needed to say that. 🤍