My Phobia
Many of you must have been wondering where I have been. Well, I recently had a baby.
I never in a thousand years thought I would ever be a mother. For some reason, pregnancy and labour scared me shitless. It became a phobia that I nursed and allowed to get the best of me.
As a result, when I got married in 2015/2016, having a baby just wasn't in the books for me. I never thought I would be a mother. I thought I could never love a child more than I love myself, because for me, that was the only reason any lady should want to be a mother.
The Pregnancy
Early this year, when I discovered that I was pregnant, it was a battle for me. A battle between removing the foetus and keeping it. I just didn't feel ready. I needed to be emotionally ready to bring a child into the world and I just wasn't feeling ready.
At about 9 weeks, I decided to inform my parents because that was the only way I wasn't going to abort the foetus.
Weeks flew into months, I had the worst first trimester, spat all through the entire 10 months, vommited like there was no tomorrow, heartburn from beginning to end, the nausea was epic!
As the due date approached, I became very scared. I wondered about a lot of things... If I would die during childbirth, what the child would look like, if he would be deformed (well, I wasn't exactly faithful to my prenatal meds), I wondered how having a baby would affect my business.
At some point, I actually thought it was a calabash inside me, because I just could not bring myself to believe that a human was growing inside of me...
But in all of this, one thing remained constant, I just wanted the baby to be fine even if it meant me not being fine.
The Delivery
On the delivery day, I walked into the theatre thinking, this may be the end of me or the beginning of a beautiful new chapter in my life.
When the baby was born and the doctor asked me if I would like to carry my child, my reaction was, "Ewww, God no! Please have him cleaned up. Thank you."
I felt nothing! Then it hit me, I am a mother! I panicked! How did this happen? I never even thought I would ever keep a pregnancy let alone have a baby.
For the first two days, I was too tired and the scary part was, I felt no emotion whatsoever towards my baby. I was beginning to feel that something was wrong with me. I felt sad. It felt as if I wasn't capable of loving my own child.
The Healing
And then it changed! The nurse came in on the third day to take the baby's vitals and she had a worrisome look on her face. The way I jumped out of the bed was enough to tell me that somewhere deep down, this was love in its purest form.
The baby was fine apparently, I was the one that needed healing. I kept thinking what if something happened to my child, I won't forgive myself for not showing the poor baby some love.
And in that moment, I felt love like I have never felt before. It was an overwhelming feeling.
That was the moment I got over my worst phobia. I would do this over again just to feel the way I feel now. Being able to love another more than you love yourself is the most selfless feeling in the world and I wont trade that for anything.
I love you baby Olamishile.
How can I talk to you?
ReplyDeleteApparently I think I feel the same way you did about child birth and all, I am even scared of getting married much as it gives me joy planning people's weddings and all. I wish we could talk. My heart usually skips a bit when I hear about pregnancy and child birth
U need not be afraid.. experiences differ.Its only a normal circle
DeleteGet married have children. Wenever i asked my mum how it was she would say there is notg dere..its only normal. So just brace up. And be open minded. God bless you
Please add me u on whatsapp. 08187003137. I would be glad to help in whatever way I can. Thank you
ReplyDeleteCongratulations ma..... Proud aunty
ReplyDeleteThank you dear. Yes oh! Come and resume your aunty duties oh
DeleteHmmm. Pregnancy journey.. my 1st was easy..two days till delivery i was still having sex.labour was easy she weighed 2.5kg at birth
ReplyDeleteThis second one came 4wks early. The pregnancy from day1 was wahala. I was cranky irritated and angry. I even beat up a keke guy at 20wks. It was dat bad. I had plans of terminating it but i was afraid i would die so i let go.. i was pushing until we checked d sex it was a boy. I was so happy i went shopping for boy tgs. Fast forward to 27wks my blood pressure started increasing.they said i was having a pregnancy induced high blood pressure. Oh my end has come. After work on the 15th September we went to the clinic my blood pressure was so high. I was detained and induced. Baby came 17th of Sept
4 wks early and it was a girl
I cried i was pained. I was upset. We saw a boy what happened?????D laboour pains jeez.she weighed 2kg and she is fine. They say every pregnancy is different. Nau i believe.but i thank God for safe delivery.Boy or girl omo lo mo..Her name is Oluwadarasinmi.. cos
I can imagine Omolara, when I did the first scan, the doctor said it was a girl. This was a different hospital from the one I was doing my antenatal at. I wanted a boy first, so you can imagine my disappointment. I had gone to stock the house with more of female things than unisex clothing. Then I did the second scan and it was a boy, then the third scan was also a boy. But as at the third scan, I had made up my mind that whatever the sex was, I would try to be happy. But after the experience, I realised that either sex doesnt matter. All that matters is that you brought forth life out of another life and that alone is worth being grateful for.
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ReplyDeleteI'm glad the baby and this piece came out safely. Proud of you my friendship.
ReplyDeleteBefore wifey knew she was pregnant for my son, I saw it in a dream. Then God told me before the end of 1st trimester the sex.
Few weeks before the baby's arrival I was scared (even after having our first daughter). I was concerned if I was going to be able to take as good care of him, love him as much, and many others scary thoughts. He's almost one and he just super adorable and I love him "scatter and arrange" despite the mixed feelings we had before his arrival.
The end point is always a bliss as in countless cases.
Oh Yoma, I can totally relate to this. My husband always asked if he would be a good father and he couldnt imagine caring for another life. But he is doing fantastic actually. I guess we somehow just learn how to be parents and it grows on us. Thank you for your comment.
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